Torture

I've never attempted suicide.

I've contemplated it deeply, and I've come close a few times, but I've never actually tried it. Until today, when I came closer than I've ever come before, I've never even talked about it, other than to acknowledge to others that I'd thought hard about it in the past when they'd been considering it, but today I was on the verge, and I said so.

People close to me often think I'm closed off and unfeeling, because I display an outward tendency to remain emotionally detached and pragmatic. In fact, the opposite is true. I keep myself closed off precisely because I feel more deeply than I can cope with, and can't trust myself to speak if I allow my emotions room to vent. 

This is just a brief word for the benefit of some who may be worried about me. It isn't for my benefit, or for any sort of catharsis, because this approach doesn't work for me. My long-suffering partner, who is far better to me than I deserve, thinks I'm pushing her away, and wants to talk about it and to give me advice, but this is quite destructive to my mentality. I've been told by a professional that I'm too analytical for counselling. In fact, talking about things tends to be counterproductive in my case. Rather, this is more in the nature of an FYI for those who I know are worried.

Yesterday, I spent much of the day worried about a dear friend who'd blogged about ending it all. I know how this feels, because I've been there many times. This morning started nicely, as my friend indicated a change of mood, and that she was feeling much better. 

Then the world came crashing down.

I've been less than entirely brilliant for a long time. The current political climate is extremely toxic, and I know I'm not the only one who feels it. It's also the case that the status of my own life is not entirely as I'd desire. My personal circumstances, however, I can deal with. What I really struggle with is the way that people treat each other, especially people I care about.

What I'd planned to do today was to sit and do pretty much bugger all, while enjoying the Falcon Heavy test flight with all my sci-comm friends, and tweet gleefully throughout, watching in hope for a successful flight and landing. That was scuppered when a trivial argument between people I have deep respect for got entirely out of hand. The ensuing shitfight drove me into the darkness, and I had to withdraw, ultimately missing the flight.

As it stands, I'm withdrawing from Twitter. I don't know if I'll be back. I may be back tomorrow. Right now, I'm still not sure if I'll make it through the night.

It's too easy to get into these situations, and entirely too difficult for those on the sidelines to do anything useful about it. I see things to despair of all over the world at the moment, and the rock that keeps me grounded is the people I regularly interact with. When they go at each other, I lose my base.

It's hard enough to get through each day, harder still when I know some people rely on me to be pragmatic and keep a cool head when all around me are losing theirs.

Find a way, people. Look after each other. Either we're all in this together, or I don't want to be in it at all.

Edit: Let me add, please don't ask me to talk about it. I understand that you think it helps, but it does the very opposite. I appreciate the well-wishes. They mean a lot.

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